Where Did the Time Go?

Our family had a great opportunity to join my aunt Verla and our cousins' families for Thanksgiving this year via a relatively short drive down south.  To say that our short time together was fantastic would be a huge understatement.  Everyone couldn't believe how 7 years had passed so quickly since the last time all of the families were together at one place.  "Where did the time go?"  "Look how big the children are now?"  "This five year old is Isaac?  Wow!"  Sometimes it takes rare opportunities like this to jolt us back to wakefulness, to being present, to appreciating what life and family present us.  I worked hard in those brief two days to really be genuinely present, soak it all up, and hopefully carry with me precious memories of family, all together, enjoying and loving each other.  While I hope not, will it be 7 more years before our next time together comes around again?  And what about all of the family and friends on both sides that we didn't get the chance to see this year, as we live so far from one another?  Doesn't life have a way of taking us away from what matters most in our lives?  Before we even realize, the sand in our hour glass will be gone.  Why not practice discipline to choose to be mindful, awake, aware, and present wherever we are moment to moment, but especially in those briefest of times when we are lucky to be with one another face-to-face?  Why not choose to Sail the Seven C's, those behaviors that take us away from being truly present with life and one another?  Why not make this choice, admittedly sometimes difficult, over and over again until it becomes habit?  We have so precious little time remaining.     

Embrace the Chaos

Don't many of our children spend far too much time in the virtual world (video games, instant messaging, social media, etc.) instead of the real world?  They already grow up way too fast and if we aren't careful, they will be gone before we know it and we will have missed it, never having been present and building the relationships with them that we truly want. 

Kim and I (okay Kim - HA!) decided this last week to significantly curtail "device" time and institute family game night every night during the week, meaning we eat dinner together and right afterward, play at least one game together as a family (last week it was Uno and Monopoly Empire).  At first there was much resistance as you might imagine, even from me to be honest.  Why?  For some reason, when all five of us are together, the noise level rises to extraordinary heights, threatening to drive me absolutely crazy, as each child struggles ('Competes') to be heard.  Again and again I sought to exert 'Control' over the experience with repeated, stern "bring it on down boys" and nothing seemed to change.  If anything, the boys just got louder.  I was about to explode with yelling when all at once, the familiar friend, 'Stop, Drop, and Be' took over.  I gained a few moments of perspective.  I simply sat back, stayed silent for several moments, and just observed the truly marvelous activity going on before me.  This is it.  How marvelous!  Our family all together, laughing, playing.  I had a choice to make.  I could get really mad, yell, and spoil the fun.  I could simply walk away and leave the family experience all together.  Or, I could try and simply accept, perhaps even welcome whole heartedly, the way things were going.  Fortunately for me, and honestly for our family fun, I chose the latter.  All of a sudden, as if miraculously, the loud voices weren't so loud.  Or, perhaps they never changed at all, rather I did.  A huge grin on my face.  "Well played son.  Who's ready for another round of Uno?" 

    

Why Not Smell the Roses?

When Kim and I were first married, for many years, I used to think buying her flowers was a waste of money.  After all, flowers die so quickly, particularly red roses, which she liked the most.  I never could understand why Kim wanted to be "surprised" with flowers of all things, particularly as she and I shared the belief that gifts of highest quality meant there would be something remaining after many years of time--like a ring, necklace, or watch perhaps--to reflect on and bring joyful memories to light.  Then one day, as I more and more began to turn my life more toward my wife than myself (trust me, I'm still inordinately selfish and self-absorbed with a very long way to go.  HA!), I began to get her what she wanted regardless.  If she wants red roses, red roses she gets.

Truth is there is something incredibly magical about roses, flowers in general, that speaks to the love they represent.  Flowers are something of incredible beauty and fragrance, and yet live for such an all too short time.  They are so fragile.  Just like us.  They make us smile.  They compel us to take care of them, to cherish them for as long as we are lucky enough to have them near us.  How lucky that we can care for them like we hopefully do one another.  We want them to last forever, but just like our loved ones, they in fact don't.  If we don't take care of them, they wilt and die much quicker than their potential.  Just like our relationships.  Flowers are symbolic of the love and compassion we know should be part of our lives' purpose, part of how we treat others, and yet how often do we consciously reflect on them, much less this?  So when she wants roses, why not take time to occasionally surprise her with some?  By the way, they are a gift for us as well, if we simply take notice.  Why not take time to really appreciate all that she and they bring?  Life is so fleeting.  Why not take time to smell the roses?

What Do You Choose?

One of the central themes behind Sail the Seven C's is the awesome power of choice each of us always has in front of us.  No matter what happens in life and no matter how much we might protest, we always have a choice in how we respond to life.  While we might wish it to be different, life rarely works out just like we want it to, and yet we might say who cares, since we can literally choose how we want to think about these things, what meaning to make of it all, what attitude to bring, even what to believe is true.

An example of this power of choice occurred when I drove with Kim across country, back to her parents' home for her last year in college.  Despite only having dated for three months, I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her if she would have me and yet there was an enormous, seemingly insurmountable challenge in front of us.  She grew up in a very religious home in which her faith was the very fabric of life for her and her family.  I on the other hand wasn't religious at all and despite months of study, found that I didn't believe a great deal of what she had been taught her entire life.  It was crazy for Kim to consider marrying a non-member.  I never imagined I would fall in love with a religious woman.  On the last night before arriving at her parents and saying goodbye, possibly forever and not wanting to leave anything unshared, I expressed all my love for her and my fear about our differing beliefs keeping us apart.  Her reply is still etched in my mind nineteen year later, "I will never let religion keep us from one another" she replied.  I knew right then she loved me as much as I did her.  I had to marry my one true love.  The obstacles and challenges we faced in the months, even years to follow were tremendous, complicated in large part by our family's efforts to 'compete, compare, control, criticize, complain, chase, and cling'.  Those details don't matter so much.  Yet we both kept coming back to the most powerful choice of all, that of love, over and over again, and that has proven to make all the difference.  We began to let go of our, and others', demands born of ego, of needing to be right, and knowing what's best.  Truth is in this one aspect of our life, we began to Sail the Seven C's together, despite the challenges we faced.

I often say that you could sum up all of life in just two words, Challenge; Choice.  Yet the bottom line is the challenge doesn't really matter all that much (heck we can't control the challenge anyway), only our choice matters, moment to moment, in the final analysis.  I know what choice Kim and I made.  So let me ask you, what do you choose to think about and focus your attention on when the challenges of life come your way?  Will it be the Seven C's or will it be principles born of love no matter what?

What's 50 Cents?

Kim was at the grocery store the other day and a young boy, maybe 10-12, was in the self check out line right in front of her.  She noted how he was disheveled, wearing ratty clothes and an old worn and torn coat.  She imagined he and his family probably didn't have much money.  He was trying to purchase a notebook, perhaps for school, and had just, painfully slow, put into the self-check system a few crumpled up dollar bills he pulled from his pocket.  He was 32 cents short and after announcing a few times that he didn't have enough, Kim took two quarters from her purse and offered it to him.  Without looking at Kim, without saying a thing, he took the 50 cents, loaded it into the machine and completing the transaction.  He grabbed his newly purchased notebook and the change that slowly rolled out of the dispenser and simply walked out of the store.  No look back, no thank you, no giving Kim back the 18 cents remaining.  He just walked away.

Later, Kim and I discussed how he showed such poor manners.  "How could he just take the 50 cents without even looking at me once, the person helping him out, much less saying thank you?"  I replied,  "Perhaps he was embarrassed to have to ask for more money?  I know I would have been.  Perhaps, his home life isn't so conducive to the manners we work so hard to instill in our own boys?  Perhaps, we will probably never know."

Regardless, we began to discuss how giving something to someone, the act of 'Being Kind and Compassionate', is not really giving if its wrapped up in all kinds of expectations about how someone should or shouldn't respond or when we expect something in return.  The important thing is, he got the notebook he needed so much more than we needed our 50 cents.  I wonder what things we can give today and do so anonymously?

Starfish on the Beach

How many opportunities to spread some kindness or compassion do we pass up on every day?  I'm not talking about huge things, rather simple ones like telling someone how much we appreciate who they are and what they do, or giving something to someone, even when not asked or when it costs us nothing at all.  It really is a shame when we don't seize on more of these with countless opportunities everywhere around us.  We are so often seemingly too busy to look for them, to notice, or to get involved.  After all, what's in it for us?  What difference will we really make after all?

This reminds me of the story about the little boy on a beach.  Thousands of starfish had washed up on this beach and the boy was one by one, throwing the starfish back into the ocean so they would not die on the hot sand.  A man passing by told the boy, "kid, why are you wasting your time doing that?  You can't possibly make a difference by what you are doing."  As the kid threw yet one more star fish back in the ocean, he replied, "I made a difference for that one."

If we merely think in terns of grand gestured of kindness and compassion and the possibility of saving all of the starfish out there, we can easily miss those wonderful moments to help the few starfish that we can help.  Maybe its just a simple phone call to say hi, to say we are thinking of someone.  Maybe its an apology or show of appreciation for another.  Maybe it's a hug given to someone when they really need it or even when they don't.  Heck, it could simply be a much needed smile offered at just the right moment, which is really each and every moment as little as we smile in our world.  Isn't it possible that our simplest efforts really do make a huge difference, often without us even knowing how, if even just for a few of those thousands of starfish?  And you know the really cool thing is you can make these offers of kindness and compassion a daily habit of yours.  How?  By reviewing each night how well you did that day.  Ask yourself, what did I do today that was kind?  How did I show compassion?

"What's that Isaac?  You want daddy to cut you up an apple?  Coming right up Boo-Bear."  Sorry guys, I'm out of here for now."

Why Not Make Peace with Your Skeletons?

Many of us have skeletons in our closets, that is things we aren't proud of having done in the past.  If not careful, these choices made long ago can keep us fixated on our past, dwelling on "if only's" and "what if's" versus focusing on the present moment and taking positive actions to navigate our ship (guide our life) toward a course of our liking.  The truth is the past doesn't even exist anymore except in the memories of those involved.  All we have is right now, this very moment.  Interestingly, each person remembers things so different anyway, revealed only in the stories we all tell our self and each other about what happened, partial truths at best.  Wouldn't it be better to let go of 'Clinging' to the past entirely, save for perhaps the positive memories that remain.  Why not make peace with your skeletons and realize, as awful as you and others may see them, they are done now, past, and gone?  You have new, fresh choices to make today, consciously present to life this very day, this very moment.  Truth is our choices in the past, both good and bad, have shaped the miracle we are today.  Why be consumed and ruled any longer by our non-existent past?  Why not choose to let go and Sail the Seven C's? 

Burning Down the House

Kim and I occasionally try the following thought experiment.  Imagine that your house burns down completely, with all of your possessions inside.  You only have enough time to grab what your two hands can carry and you have no time to risk going back in as the flames take everything else.  What would you bring with you?  Photos, family heirlooms, treasured jewelry?  Wait, don't we have cloud access for our photos babe, so I can grab something else?  HA! 

How would you react to the loss of nearly everything you own?  Talk about 'Letting Go' versus 'Clinging'.  What attitude would you bring to the table?  Of course, no one would want such a tragedy to befall them, but could there be something amazing as a result if it did?  Imagine the freedom you would have with literally nothing to tie you down, to take care of, to be responsible for maintaining.  Can you see the possibilities and excitement of starting over and being ever so careful about what you bring into your life from this day forth?  Kim and I love to think about the few possessions that mean most to us, that we might hate losing the most, but the truth is we take absolutely none of it with us when we pass anyway.  Doing this brings on a gratitude for not just those most prized treasures, but everything else we have in our lives.  That said, it also makes us realize how little any of our 'stuff' really matters in the final analysis.  What does matter of course is each other, the relationships we have, the love we share with one another, with our fellow man.  So, what would you take with you if your house burned down?  

Why Not Choose Unconditional Love?

Have you ever thought about how ridiculous and impossible it is to really, genuinely love and connect with someone else, when you expect and require that they behave someway or be someone other than whom they really are?  Well, I have.  And yet, I often find myself trying to do just that, my futile efforts at 'Controlling' someone else.  Maybe it's my boys, needing them to show the appropriate social behaviors in front of others, so as not to embarrass me.  And when they don't, 'Criticizing' them for their lack of manners.  Or maybe it's needing Kim to act a certain way, to show me love and adoration in front of others or even in private.  What's more, if she doesn't (even when I never asked her to...HA!), deciding to feel that she doesn't love me as much as I do her.  Wow!  Talk about self-absorption. 

If we genuinely want to have unconditional love in our relationships, don't we need to let go of all of our own stuff and 'Be Accepting' of others for whom they are and everything they bring to the table moment to moment?  Now, I'm not talking about accepting abusive behaviors or words and actions that go against us or those we love.  Sometimes, it's very important to voice our disapproval of negative behaviors we see, for the benefit of others and ourselves.  Yet, how do we know if our actions are truly those of unconditional love?  Simply ask yourself, "Am I coming from a genuine place of caring without expecting anything in return or am I putting conditions on my love (I will love you 'If'...)?"  One of the best examples of unconditional love is the bond between a parent and child, but even that isn't always perfect.  It's very difficult to love everyone unconditionally all the time, but our lives and those around us will surely be better if we strive towards this ideal way of being.  Of course, we can always choose to love selfishly, just rest assured, the love we then share with others will only be conditional at best.  I prefer working toward unconditional love and last I checked, I'm probably about 5 % there.  HA!  Yet, I'm still trying.  Trying to Sail the Seven C's baby!  How about you?     

Which C Was That?

When we recognize that we are falling into one of the C behaviors, don't we often find that we are falling into one or more of the other C's as well, almost at the same time?  When this happens, doesn't the line of one C versus another sometimes become blurred?  What C was that? Heck, sometimes it seems like I'm falling into all seven at once.  Just ask Kim.  HA!  Seriously though, we often find for instance Complaining close behind Criticizing or the other way around.  Same way with Competing and Comparing.  I like to think of Controlling as the mother of all C's, as every other C behavior tends to follow closely with this one, though Kim and I disagree on this to some degree.  There we go again, Competing with one another.  Truth is that our ego will find all kinds of ways of manifesting its presence through multiple C's, sometimes simultaneously, in our lives any chance it gets.

A good friend of mine, Eric Baker, shared a really cool observation with me along these lines that I like very much.  Much akin to how blurry the lines between one or more C's might be at any given moment, aren't the seas themselves, or rather the geographical delineation between the five distinct oceans somewhat blurry as well?  Honestly, where exactly does one ocean begin and end versus another?  Sometimes its difficult to tell where one C begins and another one starts.  While we make distinctions in describing each of the Seven C's for purposes of understanding and being able to observe if, when, and how these attitudes, thinking, and behaviors tend to show up daily in our life, in some ways these clear distinctions might limit us somewhat in practical terms if we are too busy trying to identify which specific C we are falling into.  Put simply, isn't it better to just notice when any of the C's, one or more, shows up and then practice "Stop, Drop, and Be" as the objective observer?  In doing so, we can create space for our self to retake the helm of our ship and consciously navigate in a better direction of our choosing.